Copyright © 1999 by Dave Badtke

Right here in Benicia City, right here in the Benicia Herald, we should do a little brainstorming. And I volunteer to go first. I mean, there has got to be a way to increase tourism, a problem being addressed by the Chamber of Commerce and reported on by Richard Toronto in a Herald article on 7/29/99.

To make sure that we’re all headed in the same direction on this issue, that our true-norths are aligned, perhaps we should agree that increased tourism is good provided the following grounding principles obtain.

1) Tourists should not be too noisy. (For further discussion see Elizabeth Patterson’s letter, Herald, 8/3/99, about noise in the park, but perhaps we should make an exception for fast boat races on the Strait.)

2) Tourists should have money and be willing to spend it.

3) Tourists should have fun and stay a while but be true to their calling and go home. (Can we agree on one or two weeks max?)

4) If tourists stay longer, they should buy a house, rent an apartment or move in with friends after which we will no longer call them tourists. But they must agree to refrain from calling their hometown Benicia with a short "i" until they have lived here for a long time – well, let’s say five years for the sake of argument - and if they violate this rule, original Benicians should feel free to call them on it. (I’ve lived here less than one year and am always careful with my "i"s, save those brief periods when I’m confused.)

5) And, finally, tourists should wear identifying markings such as out-of-town haircuts, trendy, yuppie or Silicon-Valley chic clothes or, if they look too much like us, name tags to be issued by a controlling authority. (If dog and cat crime is down, might Animal Control have the time?)

Since I’ve not yet read the final General Plan, perhaps one or more of the ideas mentioned below has already been discussed. I apologize for any repetition.

The first proposal came via a Stanford urban development study that was done many years ago. I was told about it by Mary Ann and Robert Winters, retired partners in law and founders of Benicia Old Town Theater Group. The idea was to create a fountain that would shoot water high into the air on the small island – well, really, the rocks - at the end of First Street. Aside from the fact that prevailing winds might soak tourists, this is a terrific idea. Other than Lake Geneva, where have you seen such a thing? It would certainly make Benicia unique in the Bay Area, and, now that I think about it, the soaking of tourists might be an added attraction for locals.

The second proposal comes from a tourist who stopped to ask my wife and me, when we were sitting outside at First Street Café, why the water was so brown. I began an elaborate explanation of rivers, the Delta, runoff and the like, waving my hands to simulate flow and confluence, but she cut me off saying that if Chicago can dye its river green on St. Patrick’s Day, we should certainly be able to dye our Strait blue. And I had to admit she had a point.

We could outfit each bridge with a blue-dye emitter and collector. Synchronized with tidal currents, the emitter would activate upstream and the collector downstream. The collector would be necessary to conserve blue dye, minimize environmental impact and keep downstream communities from benefiting from our technology. (Additionally, blue-water taxes from Martinez, Port Costa, Glen Cove and Crockett would line city coffers.) Tourists would flock to the area just to see the nifty doodads on the bridges.

The final proposal, the origin of which is a bit fuzzy but not for lack of merit, is targeted primarily at tourists who know Benicia from our 680 flyby. We need to get these people off the highway and into our town, and what better way than to post Dixie distress signs.

That’s right. You’ve got it. Dixie has become a mother and her little Dixielettes are lost somewhere in town. (Following the suggestion in the Dixie sign, "If you enjoy this statue, consider putting up art in your own yard," Dixielettes would be small, pink brachiosaurus statues, perhaps donated by the artist community, that would be placed throughout town.) We would need assistance from everyone passing to find them. Perhaps we could borrow some time on the Auto Mall sign to post appeals for help. Dixielette search maps that would guide motorists to Benicia stores would be available at 680 exits from volunteers in dinosaur costumes. (Acting experience, especially melodramatic expressiveness, would be required.) The possibilities for pathos and profit seem endless.

While these ideas may be so compelling that you want to rush right out and implement them, we should probably remember the admonishment from H. L. Mencken, or perhaps it was Will Rogers: "There’s a simple solution to every problem – and it’s wrong." (If neither one of these fellows said this, both should have!)