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Meeting Virus |
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Copyright © 2000 by Dave Badtke |
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A young man with dark wavy hair holds up a mike to within a few inches of his lips, looks at the camera and turns his head slightly to show his profile to advantage. “This is Frank Lee of KIWWW, your Internet worldwide window on the news, coming to you live from the hallowed halls of Yourmoney University.” The camera pans slowly from Frank to the front entrance of a red-brick, ivy covered building. Several pretty coeds walk into view. They wave at the camera, which follows them until they pass Frank, who watches them. Frank turns back to the camera. “Well, how about that!” he says, his face contorted by nostalgia for his adolescent past. He shakes off his reverie and effects seriousness. “We have just learned that Professor Kno Wei, world-famous groupologist, specializing in the etiology of meeting malaise, has announced an important scientific discovery. We expect that at any moment—” Frank presses his finger against the small receiver in his left ear. “I’ve just been informed that the Professor is coming out to talk to us.” The camera cuts to the front of the hall. Heavy doors swing open and a throng of agitated people spill from the building. Some are yelling loudly and shaking their fists. A scuffle breaks out. From the crowd, a post middle-aged man emerges, who, because he is balding and has a beard, looks like all other post middle-aged men, distinguished only by his tweed coat, frayed pants and scuffed shoes. He walks over to Frank. “Professor Kno Wei,” Frank says, “is it true you’ve found a cure for terminal meeting disease?” Frank holds the mike up to Wei. Wei looks at the camera and smiles, smoothly passing his right hand over the few hairs remaining on his balding head. “Are we on?” he asks. “Yes Professor. More than one-billion KIWWW Internet viewers worldwide anxiously want to know what you’ve discovered.” “One-billion?” Professor Wei says, clearing his throat. “That’s a lot.” Wei, who is still only an associate professor, is certain his discovery will force his department, whose members have constantly belittled his theories, to grant him tenure. “Don’t be nervous, Professor,” Frank says, moving closer to Wei. “Just speak into the microphone. Is it true you’ve cured meeting necrosis?” Professor Kno Wei frowns. “We’ve not cured the disease, but we have isolated the virus, which is a huge step forward.” “Yes, Professor,” Frank says, straightening his tie and smiling. “Can you explain the virus to our audience so that even dummies like myself can understand it?” Frank laughs heartily, a newsman on the rise who shows empathy for his audience. “Surprisingly,” Professor Kno Wei says, “the RROR virus has been infecting us since 1876 when Henry Marty Robert, an Army engineering officer, contracted the disease after poorly chairing a church meeting. Symptoms include strict adherence to parliamentary procedure, an excessive focus on process rather than goals and results, meeting efficiency rather than member engagement, etc., etc., said symptoms leading to atrophy of the brain and membership, not to mention soreness of the posterior far in excess of what would be expected given the length of a typical meeting.” Frank shakes his head sadly, feeling the pain of the billions who are watching who have sat through millions of stultifying meetings. “And why wasn’t this virus found sooner?” “It’s a retrovirus, affecting human intelligence, that gradually resulted in meeting disillusionment which we had incorrectly attributed to public apathy and lethargy. The situation was made worse after Putnam’s Bowling Alone, which became a best-seller, blamed the victim for his disease. But after extensive research, we have determined that Robert’s Rules of Order Disillusionment, leading to declining meeting interest, is caused by the RROR virus.” “Amazing,” Frank says. “Is there any hope for a cure?” Professor Kno Wei senses that his entire career has been building to this very moment. “We are investigating many different cures,” he says, feeling the tenure mantle nobly wrapping his shoulders, “brainstorming followed by discussion and goal setting; give and take without excessive fear that nihilists will take over meetings; and creative sessions during which meeting members, as young people might say, hang out and try to get to know one another.” Wei chuckles full-professorially. “The possibilities are endless. However,” he adds, cautiously, “amelioration of the malady can be achieved only if meeting leaders give change a chance.” “I’m afraid we’re out of time,” Frank says, cheerfully. The camera zooms in on Kno Wei’s post middle-aged face and then quickly cuts to Frank’s comely, practically perfect face. “Robert’s Rules of Order is an infection caused by a virus that strips a meeting of its vitality,” Frank says, his smile widening, his white teeth shining. “But with brilliant men like Professor Kno Wei on the job, can a cure be far off? This is Frank Lee for KIWWW, your worldwide window on the news, telling you the way it is.” |
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- Dave Badtke can be contacted at: www.CarquinezReview.com; Dave@Badtke.com; PO Box 763, Benicia, CA 94510; or by calling 707-745-5540.
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